


The Beginning of the Journey

by Kim Gasper (mickeym)



Series: Different Roads, Different Directions [1]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1997-10-01
Updated: 1997-10-01
Packaged: 2017-10-08 18:52:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/78514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mickeym/pseuds/Kim%20Gasper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim must deal with his feelings for Blair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beginning of the Journey

**Author's Note:**

> How would life be different for Jim and Blair, if Blair wasn't able to find work in Cascade after graduation? This series deals with the different roads and choices available, and the directions they go in.

Blair Sandburg. I've *never* known anyone like him. He conned his way into my life...and never left.

It's really weird, not to mention difficult, to define who and what Blair is to me. An annoyance, part of the time. I wasn't used to having someone hanging around me *all* the time--much less someone who never shut up. Part of the time he was a cool guy to hang out with. We liked a lot of the same basic stuff: camping, sports, fishing, hiking. He was interesting to talk to, to listen to. Most of the time. And some of the time he was my savior. Really. I was flippin' out when I met him, reasonably convinced I was in the process of losing my mind. He came along, scooped up my control, rearranged it and handed it back to me. All without making me feel like I was stupid or whiny.

Which isn't to say I didn't *feel* that way on occasion; just that *he* wasn't responsible for my feelings of inadequacy. Those come from me. I have no one else to blame, though I did make him bear the brunt of it from time to time when it all got to be too much for me. Even after he returned control to me, it was still a tenuous thing at best, for a long time.

Still, no matter how big of an asshole I was, he stuck with me. Moved in with me when his place went sky high, promising that it'd only be for a week. Right. That's what I meant when I said he conned his way in and never left-not only did he sneak in with the senses thing and make himself invaluable, he begged room and board and became my family. More than my family. I can and have lived without them. I can't even fathom anymore what living without *him* in my life would be like.

I guess that's why the thought of him leaving hurt me so bad. Here we'd been going on so well, moving into areas of comfort and intimacy that I'd never shared with anyone, not even Carolyn, and he's gonna go and leave me?

That's what our fight was all about--him leaving. Well, fight is maybe glorifying it. We had a disagreement, if it even went that far. All I can remember thinking is 'you're going to leave me? Now? After all we've been through together, when I'm just starting to get to know you, to let you in?' What I told him was, "Then you should go."

He watched me closely for a minute, his own eyes dark with some emotion I couldn't place. Finally he said, "You upset?"

I managed a 'No', then was saved by the phone ringing. That's when the world blew up in my face. Our faces. I forget sometimes that he considers Simon a friend too. It's hard, because the captain isn't very forthcoming in his feelings toward the kid. Kid. Listen to me, talking as if Sandburg isn't one of the most intelligent, resourceful, interesting *men* I've ever known.

That's the problem, there. His gender. What I was beginning to feel toward him went a long way past friendship, best or otherwise. Not that it was a *problem*, as in a straight man feeling things he'd never felt before. No, it was more like, a man who used to swing both ways, who thought that part of his sexuality was wrapped up. I hadn't been attracted to another man--not enough to want to act on it, anyway--in more years than I could count. At least since I was in Peru. Well, maybe once or twice while I was in Vice. But not since then, and *these* feelings were so vague and intertwined with other things that I was having trouble telling for sure if I was just lusting after the guy, or honestly falling in love with him.

I'd caught myself several times lately visualizing his face, his hands, his body. I'd lie in bed, jerking myself off, picturing his mouth wrapped around my cock, sucking me until I came, usually screaming his name. I could also picture, in vivid, fevered detail, how his body would feel tightening around mine when I thrust into him. How beautiful his cock would be as it erupted into my hands, my mouth, my ass. How would he taste? Bitter? Salty? Sweet? Some combination of all them? I envisioned sucking on his cock and balls; licking the sensitive skin of his perineum, tonguing his ass. Feeling him tense around me as he come. As I came into him.

Along with the incredible daydreams from an incredibly horny man came the other thoughts, too. Holding him. Stroking his hair, giving him comfort. I would flash on how I held him in my arms after I'd freed him from Lash's chains, offering what little comfort and support I was able to give. I felt both of us shaking then.

I didn't want just sex from him--I could get laid anytime, anywhere. I wanted laughter, love, romance, highs and lows, commitment. I wanted the sex too, don't get me wrong, but it went way deeper than that. I wanted him--all of him--for keeps. Forever, until death do us part. Okay, so I guess it's not just lust...but it's hard to say that other "L" word without my innards clenching in terror. I know what I feel...but putting it into an actual word is terrifying. So I didn't. I sublimated, dealt with it the best I could. Vowed to myself we'd be friends, period, and worked very hard at convincing both of us.

Needless to say, his plans to accept the study in Borneo hurt. A lot. So, I did what I always did in the face of something hurting me, I used my best defense mechanism. Put *him* on the defensive.

That lasted until he threw himself out of an airplane and into the jungle after me.

* * * *

He followed me out of the fucking airplane; either the biggest fool I've ever known, or the best friend I've ever had. I was willing to figure a little bit of both and let it be.

I found him a couple hundred yards from where I'd landed. He looked shaken, but okay, so I suggested we get going. It would be getting dark before long and I wanted to see if I could find Simon's trail...if indeed there was a trail to be found.

"All right, Tarzan, it's time to move out."

"Wait a minute, Jim...I got something in my pants, man."

He was already fumbling with his zipper as he spoke and I walked past him, making my voice as dry and uninterested as I could manage. "Sounds exciting."

He ignored me, didn't hear me, something. All of his attention was on... "Whoa! Oh...My...God! See that thing? Look at 'im!"

I did look, I couldn't help it. He pulled a lizard out of his trousers. I started to shake my head when movement in the brush behind him caught my eye. A flash of black-- What the fuck? A panther? Then it was gone and I shook my head, trying to decide if I'd really seen it, or just imagined it.

"What is it?" That quiet, insistent voice that could pull me out of the deepest zone-out. "Jim, you all right, man? What's going on?" He paused, then spoke again, "What is it?"

I shook my head again. "Nothing. Let's go."

He shouldered his backpack and followed me off into the jungle.

* * * *

I stopped and listened, letting my hearing and my sense of smell wander where they would. Nothing. I couldn't pick up any kind of trail. My senses were fading quickly, becoming nothing more than the normal senses I'd had before my first trip to the jungle. Damn!

"Let's take a breather for a minute, Jim." Blair's voice reached me and I frowned at the breathless quality to it. When I turned to look at him I saw that he was drenched in sweat and his chest was rising and falling rapidly.

"You okay?" It came out more gruffly than I had intended.

"...fine..." he panted. "Just let me...catch my breath."

"Sorry," I began. I'd forgotten how hard it was to move in the jungle underbrush; we'd been going for several hours now, fighting our way with each step. My hand itched for a machete to help clear the way. My hand itched too, to lift the strands of hair off his neck, to kiss the hot sweaty skin there and apologize for the bastard I'd been over the last 24 hours. I'd been sullen, sulky and ungrateful, ignoring him most of the time and surly when I did pay attention to him. "Sorry. We can rest for a few minutes."

So we sat there, silent and awkward. He'd been animated for the first part of this journey, but the more I rebuffed him the quieter he got. Apparently even Sandburg had a limit to how much bullshit he'd deal with, which he must have reached a while ago. I watched him stealthily under my lashes, trying to figure out what made him tick, why he'd put up with this. With me.

"Blair?"

He startled when I called his name, then raised his eyes to meet mine. "Yeah?"

I swallowed, hard. What was I going to say? "You rested now, partner?"

He heaved a great sigh and climbed to his feet with a weary expression on his face. "Yeah, I guess so. Which way?"

I pointed out our destination, shaking inside with the knowledge that I couldn't *see* it. My sentinel eyesight was *gone*. He must have caught a hint of that because he moved closer, looking intently at me.

"You okay, big guy?"

I shrugged and brushed past him. "Fine. C'mon, Sandburg. Time's wasting." There I was, back to being the asshole again. I heard a quiet sigh behind me, then the sounds of him moving through the brush, following me.

* * * *

The wreckage where the helo had gone down was useless, because *I* was useless. It didn't matter what I did to concentrate, or center. My abilities were gone. The only thing that seemed to be working at all was smell...and that wasn't doing us much good.

Blair tried. He cajoled, exhorted, asked, demanded. Nothing. I tried to explain it to him, but he wasn't getting it. Kept on about how I needed to center, to calm down. I broke then, my fear for Simon and Daryl and my fear over him leaving me finally sucking me down.

"They're gone, dammit!" I finally snapped at him. My jaw was clenched, the tendons in my neck hurt. "I can't sense anything, Blair." I closed my eyes, willing him to leave me alone.

What I got was an awkward caress, when his fingers slid along my arm to grip my biceps. "We'll figure this out, Jim. I swear we'll figure it out. Let's make camp, okay? Rest for a while, start again in the morning." He stared into my eyes for a long moment, the liquid depth of them astonishing me. There was a flicker of...something...in there. A tiny spark, lighting him from within. I swayed closer for a minute, then caught myself and pulled back. "Okay?"

I nodded and shouldered my weapon again, then led us back into the jungle. Better to be in there, surrounded by plants that offered some shelter, then out here in the open.

* * * *

Dinner was also tense and awkward. Sandburg wanted to discuss my senses-try to figure out why they were gone. I just wanted to leave it alone, get some rest. He left me alone for a little while, but after dinner, while he was writing in his journal he started it again.

"How're your senses doing?" 

"Momentary flashes, then they're gone." I stared into the fire, hoping the flames would give me some sort of sign that everything would be okay.

"At least that's one thing--you haven't lost them completely."

He paused to scribble something else and my mind retaliated with 'No? Think again, professor.'

"Look," he continued then, "when you were here five years ago and you first discovered your abilities, did anything like this ever happen then?"

"Not that I can remember."

"I don't know...maybe it's something in the food...the water..."

"Look, let's just drop the scientific stuff, okay?"

"Jim, if we can find out the cause maybe we can fix it."

"Sandburg, let it go. Maybe we should just get some sleep."

He subsided, reluctantly, and stuffed his journal back into his backpack.

"Whatever."

I watched him curl himself up, his head pillowed on the pack and go to sleep. No words of goodnight, nothing. I'd really hurt him this time.

My mind replayed the conversation over and over. I turned out to be a bigger jerk each time. All the guy wanted to do was help me help us find our friends. All *I* doing was wallowing in self-pity; a dangerous thing anytime, potentially lethal out here.

My fingers snapped a twig I'd been playing with. Dammit, this was so *stupid*! Acting like this was childish and selfish and not getting me-us-anywhere, never mind pushing Blair and I further apart. Why did he want to leave me? Well, the answer was patently obvious, now. Why would he *want* to stay with a grump?

I laid there for a long time, watching the flames of our small fire dancing in the darkness, listening to the night sounds of the jungle around us. Watched Blair sleep. Curled up, his defenses down, he seemed almost fragile, somehow. Made the 'Blessed Protector' instinct in me rise to the fore. He *isn't* fragile though--I know that. It was the night and moonlight and my brain being weird. I let my eyes wander back over him, looking closely. He was so, so sexy with his hair in disarray, his face dark with stubble and his body relaxed and soft looking.

I closed my eyes, conjuring up his face and the smile he usually reserved for me. A special smile. One that meant, 'I'm proud of you, you've done well.' I know the guy basks in some of *my* smiles, but it's reciprocal. He gives out some mega-watters. Holding on to that image, I started the spiral into sleep.

* * * *

"Sandburg? SANDBURG!" I was awake, shouting, looking around for him. Where'd he go? Did he leave already? "SANDBURG!!! Sandburg, where the hell are you?" The jungle clearing we were sleeping in was dark, quiet, empty. I was alone. I stood there, chest heaving, sadness and fear moving through me like a virus, eating all the good things away, leaving empty voids. Alone. He'd left me.

Then the panther was back, growling low, moving around me. It's tail flicked anxiously, restlessly. I watched it stalk me, unsure of what to do. It raised its head and stared at me and I started backwards in shock when I realized it had dark, smoky-blue eyes. I shifted forward to reach a hand out when it jumped, pouncing on me like I were it's prey. I shouted, falling backward, the huge cat practically embracing me. I was falling...falling...

I caught myself, jerked awake for real this time, Blair's name on my lips again, though I know I didn't say anything. My eyes turned to where he'd been sleeping-the spot that was vacant in my dream-and felt relief surge through me when I realized he *was* still there, still curled up, sound asleep.

I laid back down after that, resolving to try and get some more sleep. That proved futile as my mind began wandering, trying to figure out what the dream had been all about. I found myself looking over at Blair, studying him. Finally I got to my feet, walked a few paces out of our camp and relieved myself, trying to decide what to do.

I wasn't comfortable going back to sleep just then, so I built the fire back up and sat down in front of it once more, staring at it contemplatively, still hoping it held the answers to my questions. My gaze was drawn repeatedly to my partner's sleeping form, until I couldn't stand it any longer. I was already convinced he was going to leave anyway, maybe I could get *some* memory of him out of it. I scooted over to where he was sleeping and brushed the hair out of his face. He snorted in his sleep and shifted onto his back. My heart stopped beating for a moment. He was so beautiful, there in the firelight. His lips opened, moved, a whisper of a sigh floating out from them.

"...Jim..."

My name. He called *my* name while he slept. I felt something shudder to a halt inside me as I considered the implications of that. Why? Why would he call my name? I traced a line down his cheekbone with one finger, reveling in the beauty there. For the first time since getting here I wished my senses back for something other than just finding Simon and Daryl. I wanted the different levels of awareness present when I touched Blair. I didn't want this flatness that represented life without heightened senses; I wanted the depth and width and full scope of what I was used to.

I stroked his face for a long time, learning the planes and contours. My fingers glided across his skin, sliding on the smoothness of his forehead and upper cheeks; sticking and pulling slightly against the bristles of razor stubble. The man I was caressing stirred once or twice, but didn't waken.

Dawn was just beginning to break the night sky when I realized that I'd lost my heart completely to this man and that his leaving me would likely do me in. Yeah, a year, he said. At least. And what if he didn't want to come back after that? What if he found something else to occupy himself with? One thing was certain: I wasn't giving him any reason to *want* to come back; if I wasn't careful he wouldn't even consider it.

Sandburg shifted in his sleep and turned toward me. I found myself leaning in toward him, brushing my lips across his. I'd probably never get another chance, so I was going to take the only kiss I'd likely ever have from him. His lips were soft, relaxed with sleep. I wanted to linger, to explore his mouth, but didn't dare. He snorted when I moved away, waking shortly thereafter.

We headed off through the underbrush a short time later.

* * * *

I never even saw the stick before it impacted with my head. She took me totally by surprise, which would never have happened if I'd been 'online' as my partner called it--and I didn't like it.

Blair's face was the first thing I saw when my sight finally came back online. He was hovering over me, eyes dark and worried. "Hey, buddy. Jim. Whoa, whoa, whoa--slow down."

My head was on fire. "Oh, man." I tried to sit and he helped me push up, supporting my neck and head the whole way. His touch burned my skin where we contacted and I couldn't stop the shiver that ran through me.

"Yeah, oh yeah," he touched the bump on my head gently, helping me to my feet.

"Oh, god, I'm really sorry I hit you. I thought you were one of the mercenaries coming back." A woman I didn't recognize was standing next to Blair.

"Jim, this is Kimberly Ashe. She's a botanist from UCLA. She's been living here with these Indians doing a survey on the disappearing plant life here in the rain forest." My partner continued to support me, his hand warm against the small of my back. I leaned backward ever so slightly, trying to increase the pressure there. Then her comment a moment ago seeped into my consciousness.

"Did you say 'mercenaries'?"

She nodded, her face troubled. "Last week some men came to the village to recruit workers for their lumber camp. The chief said no. He thinks that cutting down the trees offends the forest gods. Then, three nights ago the men attacked the village and took all the adults prisoner. I managed to escape into the jungle with the children."

My partner's face showed the same shock that I was sure was on mine. "Children?"

Kimberly turned away from us and began calling out in the local dialect, some of which I understood. Children began filing in from the jungle brush around us.

"What are you still doing here?" I couldn't stop the censure in my voice and she turned to me.

"I didn't know where else to go. My radio was destroyed. All my medicines and supplies were taken. The nearest town is a hundred miles to the west, through the mountains. I don't think the children could make it. At night they cry for their parents."

Her face was sad and I felt bad immediately. It wasn't like me to judge--she'd been doing the best she could. I looked at Blair and saw the sympathy on his face. My guide would solve the world's problems if he thought he could. I moved away from Kimberly and motioned him over to me.

"I'm going for a little walk. Be back in a bit."

"Be careful," he told me, his eyes warm.

* * * *

"Hey, Jim. You okay, man?" Blair's voice as he walked around me. I'd never heard him approaching.

I must have been gone a while if he'd come looking for me. "My sentinel abilities are gone. It's as if someone's just turned off the switch."

Blair's face reflected his feelings about *that*. "Well, maybe it's just temporary."

"I never wanted this damn thing. All it's done is screw me up." Okay, I was *wallowing* in self-pity. My partner's face reflected that as well.

"Well it's also saved your life more than once--and the lives of a lot of other people, too!" Shit, he would throw that one at me.

"Yeah, well what good is it if I can't control it?"

"You *can* control it! It just takes time."

My panic from earlier returned. "We don't have time! Simon and Daryl need help now!"

"Well, dammit, Jim, tell me what's going on. I'm your partner."

"I've been seeing something. I don't even know if it's real." I felt stupid for saying that. Sure, Ellison, come on down to the jungle and start having hallucinations. Blair's face didn't reflect my feelings though--he stared at me thoughtfully.

"What've you been seein'?"

"A panther. I saw it when we first landed, and ever since I can feel it watching us, following us." Us? Now where'd that come from? "I know it's there, but when I look, there's nothing." Blair didn't say anything, just watched me with a really intent look on his face. "Last night I saw it in a dream. It was more real than any dream I've ever had."

I didn't mention how really *weird* the dream had been, when the panther appeared to me and Blair was gone. The panic that had ripped through me when I'd thought he'd left, or something had happened to him, was almost more than I could handle, rationally.

"Well, the Indians would say that the panther is your animal spirit and he's trying to talk to you. A psychologist would say it's your unconscious mind trying to speak to you in symbols. Now either way you just got to quit fighting it, see where it leads you."

Yeah, Sandburg? How much do you know about spirit guides? I was saved from making a reply when one of the village boys appeared, talking and gesturing excitedly.

"What's he saying?" Blair frowned at the boy, turned to me in confusion. I was already moving toward the embankment. "What's going on?"

"They found a boy in the jungle outside the village." I hurried up the hill, Blair close on my heels. "He's got dark skin."

* * * *

"JIM!" Daryl Banks launched himself at me, only Blair's suddenly supporting hand on my arm keeping me from being thrown totally off balance. He held on for a fraction of a second longer than necessary and I was reminded of earlier in the morning when we'd crouched behind large ferns, trying to scope out the village. I don't think he was aware he was doing it, but his hand caressed my arm, my elbow, then dropped to my leg where he touched my knee before his arm fell to his side. I wished again that my senses were back, wanting to really *feel* his touch, his warmth.

We sat with Daryl and tried to figure out a way into the drug camp without being seen. Getting Simon out was the most important goal, right after that was freeing the villagers. After that I'd worry about what to do with the drug lords and my absent senses. Daryl left to eat his stew and I decided to get a little rest. Blair sat down next to me, scratching in his journal. I wondered what he was writing about, but was too tired and tense to figure out how to ask him.

* * * *

I decided ultimately to go into the jungle and do the recon by myself. Someone needed to stay with Kimberly and the children. I squelched my thoughts about wanting Blair with me, always with me, and handed off the assault rifle to him.

"What about you?" he asked, taking the weapon awkwardly. I made a mental note to teach him how to handle firearms when we returned.

"I found these in one of the huts. This is all I'll need. These darts are tipped with curari," I answered as I strapped the dart case onto my back. "Not enough to be lethal but they'll cause temporary paralysis."

I turned away, not wanting to see his face any longer--not able to look at him. If anything happened to him, I would blame myself for the rest of my natural life--assuming I didn't follow him. I had to say something though--I had to. I turned back. He was still standing there, an odd look on his face.

"Hey, Chief."

The look on his face turned from odd to indescribable then.

"I'm glad you came."

His face brightened at that. "Me, too," he answered, some of his exuberance back in his voice.

I turned then and headed off into the jungle.

* * * *

What happened after that is a blur that got lost in a major adrenaline high. Suffice to say I was granted my sentinel senses again in exchange for a commitment--myself, forever. There would be no turning back this time.

When I became aware once again of the different layers of noise in the jungle I heard shouts and cries from the direction I'd come from and knew that Blair was in danger. They were all in danger.

I found Blair and Daryl tied back to back against a pole in a tent. I had no time to linger, but couldn't stop the quick caress I brushed across Blair's wrist when I cut the ropes binding them. He shook his hair out of his eyes and nodded solemnly when I told him that he and Daryl were in charge of the motor pool and to find us some transportation out.

Simon, Kimberly and the villagers were in an underground drug lab. All I had to do was get down there and divert attention long enough for Simon to realize who it was and what was happening. We got out of there pretty quickly, and once my partner and my captain and his son were safely away with the villagers, I went back and blew the shit out of that place. The fucker who was in charge was going to toast me with a hand-held missle launcher, but I beat him to it. Nothing like an arrow tipped with a paralyzing agent to speed things along. He blew himself up with a blast that Blair told me later they heard back in the village.

* * * *

I was moving through the jungle growth as quickly as possible, trying to make the village before nightfall. I had such a rush of adrenaline flowing through my system that it was hard to stay focused on such a simple thing, but I needed to get back. I focused on pushing foliage out of my way, tried to let my brain slow down as I went. I was barely hanging on at that point.

It was a long walk; Blair and the rest would be long gone, already back at the village. The villagers' safety was paramount and my partner and my captain knew that. I didn't mind the walk; it was giving me a chance to slowly--very slowly--cool down.

I heard the heartbeat long before I saw the man. Blair's heartbeat, racing out of control, pounding. I broke into a run and we collided with each other about 20 yards later. His eyes were wild with panic and terror when they looked at me; I wasn't sure at first that he realized it was me. His fingers scrabbled at my shirt and he seemed to be both trying to hold me and push me away all at the same time.

"Sandburg!" Wild eyes rolled from me. I tried again. "Blair!" I shook his shoulders, forcing him to really look at me. Eye contact was all it took and he sagged against me, presumably in relief. My arms raised up to encircle him, hold him close. His heart pounded against the walls of his chest, a loud staccato beat in my ears. I closed my eyes and let the sound carry me.

"I thought you were dead," he whispered then, his voice filling the remaining voids his heartbeat couldn't.

I shook my head. "Takes more than that to kill me," I answered quietly, my arms refusing to release their hold on him.

He pushed back from me, eyes searching my face. "I heard the explosion, Jim. Jesus, we all heard it--and I...I couldn't stand..."

I don't know what happened then. He was looking at me, I was looking at him. His nostrils flared outward suddenly and his eyes dilated, and my brain went on autopilot. I had to kiss him, had to connect with him on some primitive level. The feelings rushing through me demanded no less. So I did.

Then we were all over each other, hands moving and shifting almost frantically. I shoved him back against the nearest tree and rubbed my body up and down against his, thoroughly enjoying the hot little noises he was making in his throat. My hands held his head captive while I plundered his mouth, reveling in the sweetness and heat I found there. Our kiss went on and on, heat building between us hot enough to create a meltdown effect.

"*Jim*," he groaned against my lips when I pulled back to allow us to breathe. "Oh, *god*," he gasped once more before I plunged my tongue inside his mouth again, silencing him. He thrust his pelvis against me, rubbed his erection back and forth against mine.

I could feel my own swollen cock throbbing against the confines of my pants; felt my orgasm quickly approaching. He must have sensed something too, because his hand snaked downward suddenly, rubbing me roughly, using the cloth to stroke me.

I returned the gesture, holding him against the tree with one hand, roughly pulling and jerking at his cock with the other. We came together, both of us gasping and panting like we'd just run a ten-mile marathon.

We stood there for long, long moments, just staring at each other. I could feel the moisture inside my pants dripping down my leg and shuddered, all my nerve endings still firing. Blair raised a hand to touch my face and opened his mouth. He closed it again without saying a word and I found myself nodding at him.

"I know. We'll talk about it later. Let's go."

We made the rest of the walk to the village in silence.

* * * *

It took us three days to get back to Peruvian civilization and then back to the states. Three days of intense time spent with my partner, trying to decide what I should or could say to him. Our encounter in the jungle made it that much more difficult, since now I knew what kind of passion we could create between us. Blair didn't seem inclined to want to talk about it, which was strange for him, since he usually analyzed everything to death. I didn't know *how* to approach it, so I stopped trying, figuring it was pointless anyway if he was going to leave.

* * * *

The message on the answering machine was four days old when he listened to it, but I could still hear Blair's heart speed up. I walked toward him, my hand outstretched, offering him a beer.

"Guess you should call them back."

"Well actually, I've already decided not to go." His face looked uncertain, but his eyes were shining at me. I stared into those blue pools, felt myself beginning to drown in them. "This...sentinel thing. Y'know, it's more than just a research project. It's about friendship. I just didn't get it before." He smiled at me then, like the sun coming out after a storm. I mean, the loft was *bathed* in this brilliant light.

I felt an answering smile spread across my face, while inside I was jumping up and down like a little kid at Christmas. "Okay."

We took ourselves out to the balcony to enjoy the cool air with our beer. Blair stood behind me, the heat from his body radiating toward me.

"You know you were really something out there in the jungle, man," he began. "I've never seen you so focused, so in control. It was pretty amazing."

I grunted, but didn't say anything. What could I say? I stared ahead and let his words flow over me like a warm, soothing balm.

He moved a little closer. "You never did tell me how you got your powers back."

"They just came back." I took a long swallow of beer, enjoying the cool, bitter liquid.

"Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything?" He asked in a warm, teasing voice.

I turned slightly toward him, wanting to face him fully, but afraid to. "'Cause I just don't have the energy to talk about it right now. We're home. Let's just enjoy it."

He was quiet for a minute, then moved closer still and raised his bottle to clink it against mine. "Welcome home, partner." The warmth in Blair's voice, combined with his body heat moving toward me was almost overwhelming and I swallowed hard against turning and enveloping him in my arms.

I heard the panther roar inside and turned to see it sitting on the landing of the stairs up to my bedroom. Damn, but it would be nice if spirit guides came with handy little instruction booklets! Was he roaring approval, or disapproval? I didn't think it could possibly be the latter, but that didn't tell me much, either. I turned back toward the balcony and continued to stand there with my partner, drinking my beer in the companionable silence. Everything was okay for right now; I had the time, I could afford to wait.

* * * *

I first noticed a change in how he related to me a couple of weeks after we'd returned home. Well, maybe not a change so much as a heightened awareness. I mean, Blair had long since permeated my every waking thought--and a lot of unwaking ones, if the condition of my sheets were any indication--but I hadn't notice him being particularly aware of *me*.

Until I got my shoulder nicked during a bust and wound up in the emergency room having it cleaned out.

"Jim!"

He came skittering to a halt in front of me, high emotions playing out on his face and in his eyes. I was sitting on a triage table waiting for the doctor to decide if he needed to stitch me up, or if he was just going to bandage me and let me go.

"Hey, Chief."

"Simon called and said you'd been shot--"

I shook my head. "I got winged; nothing serious." My eyes danced over him, noting the pale skin and increased heartbeat and respiration. He was beautiful. "You okay, buddy?" 

"I don't think so," he muttered, just before he slid to the floor.

I was off the table in an instant. "Blair!"

A low noise--I have no idea how to describe it--came from his throat. "I'm okay, Jim. My knees gave out." He raised his head and looked at me and I could see the embarrassment and love--LOVE?--shining from his eyes at me.

The nurse came in then to tell me that the doctor had decided I didn't need stitches after all. She tsked me for being off the table and shooed Blair out despite his protestations. "This is an emergency room, young man, not a meeting hall!" she scolded him.

I flashed her an annoyed look. "He's my partner. He can be in here."

"There's no point, detective," she returned. "You're leaving, too." She briskly fastened a couple of butterfly bandages onto the small wound then washed up and left, leaving me to put my shirt back on in silence, wondering all the while at the emotions I'd seen on Blair's face.

* * * *

Sandburg was quiet for most of the trip home. I'd been surprised he didn't have his car there, but when I asked he said he'd bummed a ride from one of his students who drove home past the hospital.

I couldn't stand the silence any longer and turned to him, dividing my attention between him and the road. "Chief--"

He shook his head. "Don't, Jim. I made an ass out of myself, I know." He turned away from me, looking out the side window. "I just--got so scared when Simon said you'd been shot--"

I leveled an astonished look at him that I know he missed. He hadn't turned to face me yet. My heart was pounding all of a sudden at the thought that maybe he felt more for me than I'd given him credit for. I slid a hand across the seat to squeeze his thigh. "Blair? I'm not mad--if that's what you're thinking." Silence. "Come on, talk to me, buddy." God, what a switch. Usually it was him cajoling me to talk.

He remained silent for the remainder of the trip, in spite of my best attempts to get him to talk.

When we got back to the loft he hurried upstairs and actually had the door opened before I cleared the landing. I pushed it shut behind me and stood there, watching him pace the living room floor.

"I don't know what's happening here, Jim," he muttered, knowing I would hear him. "It's not like I've never turned on to guys before, but I hadn't expected this toward you. You're my friend. My best friend. And sleeping with friends always fucks things up, no matter how good-intentioned you are." He stopped and turned to face me. "I can't help it though. I can't help how I feel about you. I see you and want you. You touch my hand I want you to touch all of me. You lean over me at work and I picture you leaning over me, kissing me. I've tried for a while now not to feel this way about you, but it's not working. Ever since Peru--"

I moved closer to him, stilled his restless movements by placing my hands on his shoulders. "It's okay," I said, quietly, then leaned down to kiss him.

His mouth was warm and sweet and welcoming. I nipped at soft lips before pressing my tongue inside to taste him fully. He surprised me by biting down on *my* lip, sucking it. Then he was wide open, letting me savor him. It was intoxicating, that kiss. Blair tasted like some exotic spice that I'd gladly have rubbed all over my body, given the choice. It was like immersing myself in a cup of hot, mulled wine, spicy and soothing all at once. I delved deeper into his mouth, drawing him against me. His arms wound around my neck, pressing our bodies tightly together and I groaned when I felt his cock pulse against mine, through our jeans.

He pulled back instantly. "Your shoulder!"

"No," I managed in between gasps, "you." I pulled him back to me. "Come here."

I held his face cupped in my hands then, slowly sliding them back to tangle in that incredible hair. Those curls had been starring in my own private fantasies about Blair for a long time and finally I could test first hand if they were as soft and sensual as they looked. They were. I could hardly stand them flowing over my hands they felt so good. Another low groan came from me and I lowered my mouth to his once more, hearing him echo the groan as we tasted each other again.

I wanted to taste more of him then so I dragged my lips away from his and down the side of his throat. He shuddered in my arms when I licked the area around his ear, then sucked his earlobe into my mouth. The cool metal from his earrings contrasted with the heat of his skin; metallic silver adding to the salt-sweat flavor of his skin.

"Jim." His voice was breathless, like he'd been running long-distance.

I released his ear, reluctantly. "Yeah?"

"What are we doing?"

"What do you think we're doing?" I couldn't help the slow lick around the outer edge of his ear and he shuddered again.

"I-I think w-we're--Ooooh"

"You were saying?" I licked his ear again, then nipped the soft skin right below it. He tipped his head back and over, giving me total access.

"I don't remember," he muttered, his hands holding my waist, holding himself steady against me.

"Good." I spoke against his throat, enjoying the feel of the raspy skin against my lips. He was prickly with five-o'clock shadow and it was such a contrast to the smooth skin behind his ear. I ran my tongue back and forth, savoring the different sensations. I lowered my head to lick at the skin showing through the neckline of his shirt, then spoke against his throat. "How far are you going to go with this, Sandburg?"

"W-What?" I could tell it took him a moment to focus on what I was saying.

"I want you, babe. Totally, completely. I want you now, a year from now, a decade from now. Forever. You with me so far?" He nodded, his eyes almost luminescent in the fading light in our home. "I need to know where you stand with this," I continued. "I'm so in love with you I can't imagine anything else...but if you don't feel the same way it's pointless." I raised a hand to brush his hair back, nuzzling his brow for a moment. "I think you do though, don't you?"

He was quiet for a long moment, just leaning into my caresses. Then he drew in a deep breath and said quietly, "Yes."

I pulled him close and exhaled into his hair, total relief coursing through me. For just a *fraction* of a second I'd been afraid of his answer--afraid he'd say something else. I needed him in my life so badly it still astounded me; not to mention scared the hell out of me. I hadn't been dependent on anyone else in a long time, hadn't *wanted* anyone else in a long time. Blair was different though; he was a part of me, part of what made me whole. I realized then he was talking and tuned back in.

"...part of me. I can't even imagine being without you, separate from you, anymore. It's scary, Jim." His arms had circled me again, holding me tightly. I could feel him trembling.

"Yeah, it's scary, Chief," I agreed, running my hands across his back. "I'm in the same place you are. But god," I raised my hands and tipped his head back to look in his eyes, "I love you. It's worth the risk."

He stared at me, eyes dark and wide. "I love you too, Jim." He quirked an eyebrow at me then and smiled. "Forever, huh?"

"Forever, Sandburg."

"That's cool, man. I can do forever, with you." He nuzzled against my chest and my nipples contracted tightly with the sudden rush of warm, moist air from his breath. I let out a groan and covered his lips with my own, took his mouth in a bruising, urgent kiss that left both of us breathless when it was over.

"I want you, Chief."

"You got me, Jim."

"Now," I groaned again when he rubbed against me. My cock was standing at attention, demanding release.

"Yes," he hissed back, his lips caressing my chest through my shirt. I arched into his mouth when he licked one nipple through the cotton. He covered me with his mouth, then just stayed there, not licking or sucking, just--there.

"God, do something," I gasped, feeling like every nerve I had reached to that nipple. He slowly closed his mouth, raking his teeth gently across the cloth and my skin beneath it, until he'd fastened over me, suckling me through my shirt.

My other nipple was rock-hard, too, and the fibers of my shirt rubbing against it were as sweet of torture as Blair's mouth. He slid his hands down my back and grasped the hem of my shirt, backing off to pull it up over my head before latching back on again, this time with no barrier. I held his head against me while he licked and sucked first one nipple, then licked across my chest to pay the same attention to the other one.

"How's that?" he asked, drawing back to survey his work.

"Great," I managed, fingers moving to his shirt, fumbling with the buttons there.

"Ahhh--" he gasped when I found his nipples and teased them with my fingers into hard little points. "Y'know, Jim, we've got two beds in this place..."

"Mine's bigger," I mumbled, staring into his eyes. "Bed, Sandburg," I added when I saw mischief sparkle there. "The *bed's* bigger. I don't know about this," I reached down and squeezed his erection through his pants. "I'll get back with you on that one."

"You are so evil," he answered in a throaty voice, rubbing himself against me. "Kiss me?"

I complied without hesitation, having already decided I was addicted to the taste of his mouth. We lost ourselves in more kisses and caresses, fanning the flames higher.

"Bed," I whispered at last, licking his ear again. "Now, before I take you here on the floor."

"Kinks, big guy?" he threw me a sultry look over his shoulder as he headed for the stairs.

"Guess you'll find out, won't you?" I swatted at his ass, grinning when he thrust it back at me and wiggled. "Tease."

"Nope--I always deliver." He turned at the top of the stairs, a smile still on his face, but with eyes dark and concerned.

"What's wrong?"

"Jim...Have you ever...I mean, do you...How much experience do you have with this sort of thing? Male-to-male sex, I mean."

I snorted. "Probably more than you do, babe."

His eyes got really wide at that. "You're kidding me, right?"

I shook my head. "I swung both ways all the way up until I got out of Vice. I got involved with Carolyn then and we got married and I didn't see a man I wanted, until you."

He sat down on the side of the bed. "Whoa, man. That's so not like the picture of you I've had in my head."

I smiled. "The original mister 'straight america', right?"

"Man, you could model for 'em."

"There was a reason for that, you know." I sat down next to him. Some of the heat of the moment was fading with our conversation, but that was okay. These were things that needed to be said. I didn't want any kind of misunderstandings or miscommunications coming between us.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I gathered my thoughts for a minute while he waited, one hand gently stroking my leg. "I saw a lot of shit while I was in Vice, Chief. Took part in a lot of shit, too. When I finished up I felt almost...dirty, I guess. There'd been a couple of guys while I was *in* Vice that I was attracted to, but what I was doing kind of took the pleasure out of that. Carolyn was like a chance to start over. No one in major crimes knew what I'd done while I was in Vice--most everything was undercover anyway, so it wasn't like anyone would have *said* anything--so I could start out on the right foot. Not that I've ever had a problem with being bisexual, but some arenas are more welcoming than others."

"Don't I know," my partner mumbled, snuggling closer to me. "Go on."

I shrugged. "It just seemed easier to be heterosexual in there. I wasn't going anywhere where I was meeting guys to turn on to and Carolyn and I hit it off really well, to start. There was no reason to pursue anything else. Then you waltzed into my life." I lifted his chin with a finger. "You changed everything, Blair. Not at first," I forestalled the question I saw forming on his lips. "At first I was too wrapped up in being miserable over the whole senses thing. But as I got control--as you *taught* me control--that started to change. Pretty soon I couldn't imagine you anywhere but at my side, and then it rolled over into this." I leaned in to kiss him, trying to show him how much he meant to me, what 'this' was.

"Wow," he breathed when we parted again. "Talk about positive affirmation." He smoothed a finger across my lips. "You're right. I don't have anywhere near that scope, but I'm not a novice, either."

I arched an eyebrow at him. "An experienced man, huh?"

He leered at me. "Enough to know what I like and what I want."

"What do you want?" The look in his eyes was enough to get me hot and I heard the rawness in my voice from it.

"You." Apparently he had decided we'd been talking long enough; with that word he launched himself against me, pushing us both back onto the bed.

He was welcome weight on top of me, pressing against me. Warm lips brushed against mine, a soft tongue pushing gently, asking permission. I opened my mouth and let him in, stroking my own tongue against his, delighting in the growls I heard coming from him. I slid my hands down his back to rest on his ass, cupping his cheeks, pressing him into me. He wiggled, pushing back against my hands and I squeezed a little harder, kneading and caressing him through his jeans.

"Jim," he moaned, his voice hoarse. "I want you, lover."

I could feel him throbbing against me. "Want you too, baby," I muttered, already shifting the two of us over. "Let's get the rest of our clothes off."

Naked he was as glorious as I'd figured he'd be. His body was lean and firm, muscled in all the right places. Smaller than me, but definitely sturdy enough to handle my weight. I grasped his cock in my hand, stroking him roughly. It was like hot silk covering iron, a live force in my palm. The blood pounded through him, rushing into the soft tissues of his penis, engorging him. Liquid was beginning to seep from the slit on the crown and I knelt on the floor in front of him and took him in my mouth.

Flavors exploded across my tongue, bitter and salt. He moaned and I felt my own cock twitch at the sounds and tastes flowing around me. I ran my tongue across the crown, then around his glans, sucking lightly. Long slow licks up and down the heated shaft evoked the names of several gods I'd never heard of before, as well as long drawn out groans and whimpered pleas. I traveled lower and sucked on the skin of his scrotum before sucking his balls into my mouth, one at a time.

Blair's probably the most responsive lover I've ever had; he shifted and moved and wiggled, moaning and making sexy little noises the whole time I sucked him. I felt his body tensing under my hands when I returned to his cock and so I took a deep breath, opened wide and sucked him in to the root.

He let out a short scream and thrust into my mouth, hot fluid spurting. I swallowed repeatedly, savoring the full flavor of him. I watched in some amusement as he sank back onto the bed, his eyes glazed over.

"Wow," he murmured, lying there in a boneless heap. "You're good."

"Thanks," I smiled. I moved up onto the bed next to him and rubbed myself against him, the hair on his legs dragging against my aching cock, creating a strange but pleasant friction. I leaned down and nipped at his neck, licking at the bites afterward. "I want to bury myself in you," I whispered into his ear. My hands had wandered up his chest and were playing with his nipples. I could feel the change in texture beneath my fingertips as each one swelled and hardened.

Blair's eyes darkened, heat reflecting within them. "Sounds like a plan, lover," he said huskily. The low tones reverberated through my body, dark echoes of pleasure. My cock twitched again just at the thought of sliding into him and I closed my eyes, trying to get myself under control. "How do you want me?"

"Begging," I replied before I could stop it. He gave me a sexy grin and rolled onto his stomach, pushing his ass up slightly. Another over-the-shoulder look, his eyes hot and wild, his lips pouting sensuously.

"Please?"

"Oh, *GOD*, Blair!" I practically threw myself on top of him, rubbing frantically, trying to touch him everywhere at once. "Jesus, babe, you've got me so hot" I shifted in between his legs and smoothed my hands down the length of his back and his ass, rubbing the latter lightly. He arched into my touch, wiggling, trying to direct my fingers to the crevice between his cheeks. I dipped a finger in, trailed it lightly down and felt his shiver under my hand.

"Jim--?"

"Yeah, sweetheart."

"I want you." The heat in his voice was unmistakable.

"I'm coming, baby." I fumbled in my night table and pulled out a tube of KY, smoothed some onto my suddenly shaking fingers. "One finger, Chief." He arched a little and I slid my first finger in, stroking his back with my other hand. A quiet sigh greeted my ears. "You're already loose," I said with some surprise.

"Happens when I get real relaxed," he told me, his voice hoarse. "And blowjobs get me real relaxed."

I grinned and leaned down to press a kiss onto his shoulder. "Two fingers," I said as I withdrew the first and slid two in. I stretched him carefully; loosened or not, the muscles were still tight and I didn't want to hurt him. He grunted, then pushed up against me.

"Enough," he said, a bite in his voice. "I want *you*, Jim, not your fingers. Fuck me!"

"I will, baby," I told him carefully. His words were getting me even hotter and I had to struggle against just thrusting into him. "Gotta stretch you out."

"I'm fine, lover, just *do* *it*!" His voice was tight, breathless. My heart picked up speed, pounding in my ears. He was pushing back against me now, meeting my fingers thrust for thrust.

I reached for the table again. "Condom?"

"No," he gasped. "Naked, babe." He looked over his shoulder at me. "It's just you and me from here on out and I want to feel you, skin-against-skin."

"You sure?"

"You clean?"

"At my last test."

"Me too." He gasped again when I withdrew my fingers. "Now? Please?"

"Now, baby." I smoothed some of the KY onto my aching cock and prayed I'd be able to hang on.

Blair shifted onto his knees, angling himself to make it easier for me. The little pucker was open and inviting and I pressed myself against it, felt the muscle begin to give.

"Oh, god," he gasped under me.

"Too much?" I gritted my teeth.

"Nooo--just go slow."

'If I can,' I thought, pressing on. Then I was in, sliding forward. Oh, my god, he was hot and tight and totally surrounding me. I'd never felt anything so good in my entire life. I rocked in slowly, feeling the walls of his passage shifting to accommodate me. His body was a little tense under mine and I leaned over his back and kissed his neck.

"You feel so good, Blair"

"You do too," he managed in a strangled voice. "We're one now, lover. Joined forever."

"Yeah," I pressed him down onto the mattress and covered him, slid my hands up his arms to twine my fingers with his. This was so good, so right. My other half, finally found. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, Jim." He pushed up. "Show me. Show me how much you love me. Fuck me."

I started out slow and easy, moving carefully, still giving him time to adjust. Our bodies heated quickly, the electricity passing between them. When he started pushing back hard against me I shifted us, moving back onto my knees, pulling him up as well. Hands on his hips I slammed into him, groaning when he met my thrusts with his own. I could feel his body throbbing around me, blood pounding through his system. His breathing increased when I reached around and stroked his cock--hard again--in time with our rhythm.

"Gonna...come…" he panted, thrusting back onto my cock, then forward into my hand.

"That's the idea," I gasped as his body tightened around me. "Go on, Chief--I'll be right behind you--Ah!" I felt the warmth of his release drip down my hand and his internal muscles clench me tightly. The contractions inside as his body spasmed rocked me to my core and I felt myself lose it. I slid over the edge into pure pleasure, groaning as I released my seed into his body.

I held my position for a few seconds, my body straining into his, before my legs gave out and I had to lie down or collapse. I withdrew from him and leaned to plant a quick kiss on one asscheek before falling over next to him.

"You okay?" I asked, brushing a sweaty bit of hair back from his face.

"Fine," he grinned. "You?"

"Any better and I'd be dead, probably." I felt a lazy smile spreading across my face. "I can't believe we're lying here, together."

"Me, neither." He paused, gathering his thoughts. "Jim, man, I don't--" Deep blue eyes stared helplessly at me.

"S'okay, Chief. We'll get it all figured out. But it's you and me now. Partners for life."

"In everything," he agreed, smiling at me. "I don't know what I did in my past lives to deserve you, but I'm glad for it."

"Ditto, babe." I smoothed a hand down his head and gripped a handful of hair, bringing his face to mine for a gentle kiss.

We laid there for some time, exchanging soft kisses and caresses, waiting while our bodies came down from the orgasmic high they'd been on. I suggested a shower to clean up, then out for a bite to eat. I was starving but not in the mood for cooking. Blair agreed and we shared a shower and a blowjob apiece.

* * * *

I found out later that night that Blair is as good at giving as he is at receiving, when he took me with a skill that left me breathless, doing a bit of begging myself. I shook in his arms when he slid into me, his cock like fire in my ass, burning me and marking me. This coming together was no less powerful than the first had been and we lay together afterward, bodies still trembling from the incredible outpouring of energy between us.

I'd left a few marks of my own; I discovered quickly that his skin tasted as good as it looked and it was nearly impossible for me to resist biting him. I smirked as I surveyed the giant purpling bruise at the juncture of neck and shoulder.

"Gotcha good, Chief," I grinned, smoothing a finger over the mark.

"You gave me a hickey?" There was laughter in his eyes.

"I gave you a couple, actually. That's the only one you can really see."

"Animal."

"You bring it out." I froze for a moment, considering.

"Jim? What is it?"

"Think the panther approves?"

"Your spirit guide? I can't see why he'd care."

"I don't know, Chief. Seems like he had a part in bringing this all together." 

"Maybe," he said thoughtfully. "Hard to say for sure, but it sounds good, huh. Now I'm telling the truth for sure when I say you're an animal."

I growled at him and pounced, starting it all over again.

* * * *

Later that night, when Blair was curled in a tight little ball, his head resting on his chest, I considered the events of the last few months.

Had we been heading this way all along, a bond between guide and sentinel? Or were we just truly half of the other, sentinel mysticism aside? Were they one in the same?

I found I didn't care. Whatever, whoever had brought us together; for whatever reason, it didn't matter. We loved each other, we were good together and it was going to stay that way.

I had no idea what the future was going to throw our way, but I felt confident that I could handle it as long as Blair was with me.

~finis~

 


End file.
